A deafening silence...

Dear Jennifer—
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 10:
Too bad you can't just read the instructions and figure out how to repair this malfunctioning relationship. Fortunately, the stars have given you both a lifetime warranty. Give it time, and it'll fix itself.

Oh God, this just might be the most consequential fuck-up of my entire life! On his end, silence. Still. A deafening silence...  All I can do now is pray for forgiveness...& wait...

The last time I fucked up this completely was two years before I met Tommy. Don't even remember what I did—except it must have been completely wretched—because my then-boyfriend looked at me so dead seriously & said 'I can't believe I was actually going to drop out of school & marry you...'

Kind of like when Tommy (recently) said 'had it not been for circumstances that existed back then, I have no doubt you & I would have had an exceptional life together...' Then Fate gives us another chance to grab the brass ring—but I go & get all crazy emotional & might have blown it... To say I'm devastated is a major understatement...

Epiphany: origins of a soap opera revealed...

I watch too many chick flicks. That's it, plain & simple.

Tommy & I have not been on the same page, here. Since reuniting, I have clearly been living in a movie: star-crossed lovers reunite, fall madly in love again & live happily ever after. He has said some pretty heavy stuff, though, which propelled my expectations right up there to the Notting Hill / Sleepless in Seattle realm. These heady, romantic musings happen in our late-night conversations when he most likely has been drinking beforehand & is loose enough to be swept away by feelings carried over from our previous relationship, too. I chose to take his words as gospel.

But, unlike me, in the light of day he apparently comes back down to earth. In reality, he wants to get together & see if the sparks still fly, take it from there. This is what he said—in part—Thursday morning, after our emotional discussion the night before. I cried all day. After having a couple of days to digest this take on reality I'd been so blind to, I now feel like a perfect asshole for pushing him so hard, so fast, toward a fairy tale ending. After my recent inexcusable behavior, I'll be lucky if I haven't pushed him away forever—& if I have, have no one to blame but myself...