A love letter to Tommy...

Despite the passage of lots of years, there was an incredibly easy familiarity & intimacy to our conversation that definitely blew my mind...seemed as though we’d talked only yesterday! I got to know you better in several hours of phone conversation than I ever did in the time we were together! I didn't know you had three sisters, or that your father left when you were five, didn't know you hated football—that it was just a means to an end—or ever imagine that you would remember so much about our relationship. And one thing I never knew at all is how sensitive you are. To me you were a God—perfect & strong & infallible—& I was just the girl who was in love with him.

I’m sure you're scared (I sure am!)—doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Your wife died just a little over a year ago, & you may not be exactly ready to embark on a new life, even though your gut reaction was telling you—if only for the few hours we talked—to go for it.

You talked about how amazing it is that we've come full circle. But we haven't—not yet, anyway. There's 90 degrees yet to travel, & I think we owe it to ourselves to complete the journey, see what Fate has in store for us. I don't believe mere coincidence led me to search for you now as opposed to five or ten years ago, or that—once I started looking—you became so very easy to find.

I have no agenda or expectations, Tommy—whatever will be, will be: we might fall into bed (again), might fall in love (again), or maybe just end up being wonderful friends. However we do end up, though, I won't be disappointed (unless you totally disappear on me, that is). I'm just happy to have you back in my life, regardless of what your role in it might be, & don't want to lose you again...

Manic highs, desperate lows...

This has been the week from both heaven & hell...

My beloved friend Tina died on the 2nd. Then Tommy—absent for much longer than he was present—came back into my life on the 6th with a bang that far eclipsed the best of the 4th of July fireworks. The 7th would have been Marcia's birthday (see my 7/3 & 6/24 posts). Ironically, it is also the very same the day on which I sat writing an obituary & memorial card for Tina, because her Mark couldn't deal with it. And, then, Tina's wake is on the 9th—the same day that claimed the life of my ex-brother-in-law, Michael, at age 23, who left behind an 8 month old son & grieving widow. Too much coincidence. Creeps me out. While I dreaded early July before, I will now assidiously avoid it...

We humans are a resilient lot. Yet, in many ways, we are so very fragile—like little birds with broken wings. We usually don't go outside ourselves for comfort, instead carrying our lonely pain deep inside. We are the walking wounded: death, betrayal, misfortune, & events out of our control are but a few of the things that contribute to the creation of our wounds—often so deeply embedded in our psyches that they prevent us from participating in life. Afraid to let anyone in, we hide behind emotional fortresses so strong they are impossible for anyone—save a God or Goddess—to penetrate. Thus, we end up just going through the motions of living, observing life through the windows of our self-imposed prisons, unable (or unwilling) to break through the glass of fear to get to the other side.

You are my special angel...

sent from up above!
The Lord smiled down on me, & sent an angel to love.
You are my special angel, right from paradise!
I know that you're an angel, Heaven is in your eyes.
The smile from your lips brings the summer sunshine,
the tears from your eyes bring the rain.
I feel your touch, your warm embrace, & I'm in heaven again!
You are my special angel, through eternity.
I'll have my special angel
here to watch over me, here to watch over me...

My post from last week—about ex-love Tommy—the one I sent a package to after a million year separation? Well, there I was, sound asleep, when my cell went off a little after 1AM. I somehow managed to grab & answer it without disconnecting the caller—which, from a dead sleep, is an amazing feat in & of itself. Now I'm not the most pleasant person when awakened suddenly, but then I hear this gorgeous deep voice saying "Maybe I should call you back at a better time?" I'm like, "Who (the hell) is this?" (grumble grumble, growl growl). "It's Tom," he replied softly.

I'm immediately wide awake. "O...my...god!!!" For a moment I couldn't breathe. "Omygod yourself," he chuckled, play-mocking me. "Now you know how I felt when I got your package this afternoon! Guess we've somehow just managed to blow each other's minds all over again!"

Nearly two hours of non-stop talk later, we (he) decides to *call it a night.* But sleep evades me. How the hell can I possibly sleep when my heart is pounding & adrenalin pumping like I've just run a marathon?!? If it weren't 3AM I'd fly out the door & go dancing or something, but nothing's open now. And dammit, I don't even have any vodka to make a martini! So I'm left to sit here, wide awake & wanting—needing!—to jump up & down & scream, but if I did I'd wake the entire neighborhood, which would not be a good thing ;]

So we're going to talk again (soon!!!) & get together (also soon, & his suggestion, but of course I readily accepted). So now the ballsey chick who last Thursday blithely sent off a gift—meant to be given many years ago to this guy she loved in that other lifetime—is now beyond terrified because her comfortable little fantasy might become reality... He's in New Orleans & I'm here—across the Gulf from one another—so we're both going to have to put some effort into making it happen. What if it doesn't work out?

Fuck that! Even scarier: what if it does?!?  (To be continued...)

I'll be seeing you...

True friends don't come along every day—that person who unconditionally accepts your myriad sins & faults, is there in the blackest of times offering love & support—the one with whom you can share you deepest secrets, dreams & fears without judgment or recrimination. I lost one such friend when she was just 25 years old, and another last night at 9:45—victim of the same insidious killer. Both fought courageously. Both lost.

Even when it became obvious that Tina's opponent was prevailing, no one was prepared for the outcome. I don't think we're ever really ready, no matter the amount of time one does or doesn't have to get used to the idea of a loved one leaving them, because it isn't the way it's supposed to end. For me, at least, that this beautiful, vibrant, very alive 49 year old woman who had so much to give, so much left to do, would actually die was incomprehensible. Hers was always the voice of calm in the midst of chaos; she was the bedrock of her family, as well as for those blessed with her friendship. Our divergent backgrounds should not have lent themselves to bonding, yet not one secret was kept from the other. Our friendship was unconditional.

Thus, I won't say 'goodbye'—rather, 'I'll be seeing you, girlfriend'...