Fuck buddies, booze & cells do not mix...

I ran off to Hell-Ay—a totally last minute decision. Called D, long-time lover turned dear friend who was thankfully in town, & he told me to come out & chill. My decision was driven by the fact that I've been upset lately & needed a little diversion—as well as comfort in the arms of a friend.

And Tommy got just a little bent out of shape when I told him who I was with. I hadn't planned to, but D & I'd had just a bit too much to drink by the time Tommy & I talked, &—you know the old adage 'loose lips sink ships?'—well, out it came. "Did you fuck him?" he snapped. God he was angry, so of course I said 'no.' Then he 'disappeared' & I spent many ensuing minutes ranting to his voicemail because I thought he'd hung up on me in the middle of the intense conversation we were having. I am someone who should not be allowed within three miles of a phone when trashed &/or emotionally unglued...

He called back several hours later. Actually, we dialed each other at the exact same moment. His call cancelled mine out, so I listened to what he had to say before calling back. He said his cell had died—that he hadn't hung up or fallen asleep on me. He didn't sound angry, so I figured everything was okay & phoned back. But then he said alot of really hurtful things, including denying he'd demanded to know whether or not I'd fucked D, that he didn't care... I bawled my eyes out, & D just held me. That's what friends are for...

Providing Tommy ever even speaks to me again after my very bad behavior, this saga will continue.

Unconditional love...

We talked about unconditional love once, Tommy & me. He said we can't begin to know what it's all about until we have kids. I don't have kids, but I do have dogs, and they love unconditionally as well.

I've had a great deal of time to think about the concept of unconditional love and, even though I do not have kids, have been fortunate enough to experience it—actually quite a bit of it—& think he is wrong, at least in part. Unconditional love—to me, anyway— is the non-judgmental acceptance of another's myriad faults and sins, being there for them when they need you, no questions asked.

Following a many hour battle with tears, I had a startling revelation at 4:30 this morning. I absolutely had the unconditional love of my second husband. And with alot of friends, including D (with whom I have been staying in Hell-ay for the past 5 days & whose possible behavior with me was the subject of Tommy's very angry line of questioning which, a few hours later, he vehemently denied doing). People who are always there for me, have been for lots of years. I also think I have it with him. Why else would he still be around after I behaved so very badly Wednesday night?  I'll know soon enough, when (& if) he ever calls again. His continued presence in my life (or not) will be my answer, pretty much written in stone...