Fear takes many forms...

Aside from major stress at work, I have a lot to look forward to: going back to Nawlins in 9 days, hair extensions on Saturday & nails on Weds. (so I will look outrageously gorgeous when I arrive). I'm down to 118 (great for 5'7"), & am walking well enough, 4-1/2 weeks after my last surgery, that I can probably even get away with stilettos! I'm having a get-together in Covington on Saturday the 18th, a couple of lunch dates with friends, & a job interview that could be the answer to my dreams.

But I haven't talked with Tommy in quite a while—hasn't returned any of my calls despite teasing me recently (after I opened with "you rarely call me anymore") that I never call him anymore—& am terrified he is going to let me down (yet once again). I gave him lots of options: meet for drinks Friday after work & take it from there; if we're getting on to come to my party Saturday; if that works well, spend Sunday evening together. No demands—just suggestions. Yet he has committed to nothing & I'm leaving a week from Friday. I'm scared to call him, scared not to call him... The least he can do—after confessions about our feelings & everything we've been through, past & present—is to meet for drinks. My friend Jeff—who is alot like Tommy—thinks he is afraid of truly falling in love with me when we come face to face again...so is avoiding seeing me. I just want honesty, plain & simple, rather than continuing to allow him to fuck with my mind & life...

Me? I'm just plain afraid...that he will, that he won't, that despite all the fun I know I'm going to have, I'll come home with a broken heart because he'll let me down or disappoint me in some deeply hurtful, unforgettable way... I don't know how much more I can bear if I leave again, without seeing him...