Random thoughts on a sultry May day...

I couldn't get to sleep until 3am—have had a rough couple of months—& kind of got lost surfing the net, rediscovering (in particular) one particular guy from my past who, save for a nasty trick of Fate, probably would have been my husband. Funny how the tiniest bit of information can jog one's memory, & how that one little *jog* can trigger a domino effect! I guess I wandered off in this direction because I am not particularly happy right now—my life is not in the greatest of places—& was seeking refuge in happier times. But the irony here is that sometimes remembering those happy times can make you sad (or sadder) than you were to begin with because they make you recall all the mistakes you've made along the way—& how different things might have been, if only for...

The reason for my present state of mind: getting sand-bagged at work by a group of people I can only liken to the infamous corporate raiders of the late 80s. I'd given my company the world—created profitable wholesale & retail websites, worked 60-70 hrs/wk forever, did all the product photography, graphics, writing, site layouts/navigation/info architecture, designed print ads & even a billboard. But they wanted more—a 300% increase in my bottom line for '05. So I called in an SEO group to help put us at the top of Google & Yahoo. Long story short, the SEO firm wormed their way in like thieves in the night & took over everything—including my job!

It's a tough transition from 10+ hour work days to sitting on one's arse—even tougher having to live on a paycheck that was cut by 2/3's. Then add to that lost friendships—my two best friends down here still work there. Since it is nearly impossible to interact without discussing work, & I can't talk to them without getting very, very angry, we no longer talk. It all hurts so much, & there's nothing I can do about it. I'd sue if I had an extra 10 grand laying around, but I'm lucky to just squeak by right now. So I'm on unemployment, have sold most of my fabulous designer stuff on eBay to supplement it, & am trying to build up some freelance web design biz. Have a couple of gigs going, but no cash yet...

Maybe I wouldn't be quite as miserable if the weather here were a little less unpleasant. It's already way up in the 80s & humid as hell...& I've never been able to deal with humidity!

I want my old life back...my life pre-9/11 when I had an awesome job, tons of opportunity & lots of disposable income. But the terrorists changed all that—I lost my job (&, thus, my life as I knew it, but at least I didn't lose my physical life as so many others did). No wonder I find myself dwelling in the past...it's a much safer place to be, even if it does make me a little sad...